


CALIBORNQUEST

by Elendraug



Category: Homestuck
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-24
Updated: 2019-05-24
Packaged: 2020-03-09 11:16:43
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,482
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18915853
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Elendraug/pseuds/Elendraug
Summary: Join Caliborn on his quest to seduce Dirk Strider.





	CALIBORNQUEST

**Author's Note:**

  * For [FreakyHumanShit (Maim)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Maim/gifts), [keefling](https://archiveofourown.org/users/keefling/gifts).



> I DMed this for Maim and keefling a while back, maybe around 2015? and with their permission, thought it was entertaining enough to share; tragically I only have the first section
> 
> please enjoy
> 
> happy anniversary of uu: Jeer Past Dirk

 

**> Ask DIRK about YAOI MANGAS.**

You ask DIRK about your SHAMEFUL COLLECTION OF ILLICIT SMUT.

 

DIRK glances to his own BOOKSHELF, then back to you, and PRETENDS NOTHING HAPPENED.

 

**> Strip**

 

You divest yourself of all of your CLOTHING. It's kind of a FUCKING ORDEAL, because your outfit is SOMETHING OF A TRAINWRECK.

 

**> Hug Dirk, now that you're naked.**

 

You HUG DIRK. DIRK hugs you back, but frowns.

 

"Uh, so, those suspenders are kind of digging into my chest?"

 

**> REALIZE THAT YOU ARE NOT NAKED.**

 

You realize that you are not, in fact, as naked as you thought. There seems to have been some ERROR in what pieces of clothing are considered part of your PREDOMINATION DAY SUIT.

 

It's like the EXACT CHROMA of the GREEN SUSPENDERS was made invisible.

 

**> ASK DIRK ABOUT CHANCE THE STALLION**

 

Dirk pushes his shades up on his nose and STARES at the FLOOR. There's a brief moment when he TRIES NOT TO SMILE. You notice that he keeps LOOKING TOWARDS A BOX UNDER HIS BED.

 

"Um, I don't know what you're talking about."

 

**> ASK DIRK ABOUT THE BOX UNDER HIS BED**

 

"What box?"

 

**> ASK DIRK TO DRAW YOU SOME HOT SMUT**

 

"Yeah, man. I got my computer pencil at the ready."

 

**> ASK DIRK TO DRAW YOU SOME HOTT SMUUT**

 

The game does not understand your clever use of their chumhandle initials.

 

The game acknowledges that an attempt was made.

 

The game might be being narrated by Hal.

 

**> ASK THE NARRATOR STUFF**

 

It seems you have asked about DS's chat client auto-responder. This is an application designed to simulate DS's otherwise inimitably rad typing style, tone, cadence, personality, and substance of retort while he is away from the computer. The algorithms are guaranteed to be 96% indistinguishable from DS's native neurological responses, based on some statistical analysis I basically just pulled out of my ass right now.

 

**> ASK HAL TO DRAW YOU SOME HOT SMUT**

 

Hey, man. You didn't want me to, last time. You called me a bloodless, hemotyping fraud.

 

You make a SAD FACE at the narrator. The narrator is UNMOVED BY THIS META EMOTICON REQUEST.

 

**> Examine horse posters**

 

There are numerous HORSE POSTERS in Dirk's BEDROOM. Some of them are whimsical and cute, such as Rainbow Dash, who is a small colorful horse who is just so damn spunky.

 

Some of the other HORSE POSTERS are considerably MORE SPUNKY.

 

You start to feel uneasy. How ironic, that this scene would occur in the proximity of some HORSES.

  
  


**> Examine hat/smuppet pile**

 

**> Take nap in hat/smuppet pile**

 

**> Fuck plush rump**

 

You EXAMINE the HAT/SMUPPET PILE. It is aptly named, as it is a PILE OF HATS AND SMUPPETS. They are soft. They are bulbous. They are alluring.

 

The hats are too big for your head. Yes, even your head.

 

**> Caliborn: multitask.**

 

You try to take a nap in the hat/smuppet pile, but that isn't necessarily conducive to your goal of SEDUCING DIRK.

 

DIRK looks at you from across the room, but says nothing of your sleeping decisions.

 

**> Fuck plush rump**

 

With what?

 

**> Frot against puppet ass**

 

You FROT against the PUPPET ASS.

 

DIRK looks like he is trying to think of what to say about this shocking development.

 

**> Retrieve dildo**

 

You RETRIEVE A DILDO from your inventory. It is PURPLE. It is modeled in the style of a TROLL BULGE.

 

**> Ask Dirk about dildo**

 

You ASK DIRK about your TROLL BULGE DILDO.

 

His cheeks flush.

 

"I... Oh, man. That brings back some memories."

 

**> Wear dildo proudly**

 

You are linked to [THE FOLLOWING IMAGES](http://cdn.mspaintadventures.com/advimgs/bq/bq015.gif).

[ ](https://freakyhumanshit.tumblr.com/post/36033060954/yup-i-uploaded-this-for-a-second-without-his)

[ ](https://freakyhumanshit.tumblr.com/post/36033060954/yup-i-uploaded-this-for-a-second-without-his)

**> Don horse mask**

 

You DON THE HORSE MASK.

 

A thrill stirs deep within your cherub breast. You feel in touch with the spirits of all the virgin horses of the land that forged ZILLYWIN. You feel free. You feel alive. You feel...

 

You need to sit down for a moment.

 

**> Sit on Dirk's cock**

 

You try to sit on Dirk's cock, but the only FEATHERY ASSHOLES nearby are seagulls.

 

**> Sit on Dirk's raging alpha boner**

 

The rad shades running this narrative prompt refuse to engage in this fuckin' A/B/O horseshit, thank you very much.

 

**> Sit on Dirk's penis**

 

You try to sit on Dirk's penis. Dirk is standing.

 

It is an awkward moment between you both. You wonder if you have temporarily forgotten how to sit.

 

Vague flashes of memory come to you from a parallel universe in which you were a human infant. You remember your father, your lusus, who also forgot how to sit. It was a scary time.

 

The recliner never recovered after that.

 

**> Rub ass against Dirk's crotch**

 

You TWERK against Dirk's crotch.

 

He purses his lips into a thin line. He's not sure what to do.

 

"You, uh... You want me to put on some music, or something?"

 

**> Sit on shades**

 

The SHADES are on Dirk's face. You're forgetting how to sit down, again.

 

Unless this is a passive-aggressive jab at me, you fuck.

 

**> Sit on Dirk's face**

 

You try to sit on Dirk's face, but he is standing.

 

**> Knock Dirk over**

 

You bodyslam into DIRK as if you're from GODDAMNED DRAGONBALL Z OR SOME SHIT.

 

He falls over.

 

You and DIRK are now on the FLOOR.

 

**> Brace yourself above him and look deeply into his eyes, like in the animes**

 

You do this.

 

Your SUSPENDERS dangle off your BONY-ASS SHOULDERS and kind of SMACK HIM IN THE FACE. He still seems EMOTIONALLY MOVED, though.

 

"Well, damn. Aren't you fuckin' kawaii."

 

**> cehck menu**

 

**> ask Hal for tips**

 

You ask the RAD SHADES RUNNING THESE SHENANIGANS for some HOT TIPS.

 

He suggests that you check the MENU. You may also cehck the menu, if you're feeling so inclined.

 

He also suggests that maybe if you wanna try hateflirting with him he's not necessarily all fuckin' up and opposed to that shit, motherfucker.

 

**> cehck menu**

 

The shades running these shenanigans have mercy on you and provide you the un-zalgo'd menu. ZALGO. HE FAILS TO COME.

 

CALIBORN'S DOKI METER: 0/11

DIRK'S BLUSHUU METER: 1/11

COINS BOUNCED OFF SMUPPET ASSES: 0

HEADS DECAPITATED: 0, for now

BAD DRAGON DILDOS DISCOVERED: 0/11

ORGASMS ACHIEVED: 0

DEPRESSION ACHIEVED: 0/11

 

**> Jack up Dirk's hair a little bit.**

 

You lack the appropriate equipment to jack up anything. Check under the hood first, at least.

 

**> Run your fingers through Dirk's hair.**

 

You cannot do this. It is too perfectly sculpted.

 

**> Unsculpt Dirk's hair.**

 

You'd have to bathe him, but you can try.

 

**> Ask Dirk to follow you**

 

DIRK has now JOINED YOUR PARTY.

 

"Where're we going?"

 

**> Lick all of the product from his hair with your BIG SNAKE TONGUE.**

 

Dirk frowns.

 

Dirk frowns a lot.

 

DEPRESSION ACHIEVED: 1/11

 

**> Use the KONAMI CODE**

 

You now have INFINITE AMMO and STEALTH CAMOFLOSH.

 

**> Lead Dirk to the bathroom.**

 

DIRK follows you to the BATHROOM.

 

It's pretty FUCKING SMALL. There is a SHOWER STALL, a TOILET, and a SINK.

 

**> Put on camoflosh**

 

You've already got stuff equipped, dummy!

 

INVENTORY

 

\- troll bulge

\- god tier outfit

\- stealth camo

\- infinite ammo

\- horse mask

 

EQUIPMENT

 

\- suspenders

\- horse mask

\- troll bulge

 

**> Bathe dirk in sink**

 

Dirk is too big to fit in the sink!

 

He does not fit. He does not sit.

 

**> Ask Dirk to take a shower like a fucking reasonable person**

 

"Do I smell bad?" Dirk frowns. "I'm a reasonable man. Get off my case."

 

You don't appreciate his Radiohead jokes.

 

Everyone knows that Amnesiac was practically fucking inaccessible, anyway.

 

DEPRESSION ACHIEVED: 2/11

  
  


**> unequip all**

You are now as STARK FUCKING NAKED as... wait, the day you were hatched you had a diaper, suddenly? You can't really remember.

 

Point is, you're Nude.

 

(That's another Radiohead song.)

 

**> Equip camoflosh**

 

You feel ready for a [FIGHT OF METAL GEARS](http://mgsfanfic.ytmnd.com/).

 

Your CAMOFLOSH is sort of a vague game construct. Dirk's eyes go wide with surprise as you disappear from sight.

 

"Uh?"

 

**> Examine Dirk’s room**

 

With your new CAMOFLOSH, you return to DIRK'S BEDROOM.

 

There are multiple HORSE POSTERS, a RED MICROWAVE, and a HAT/SMUPPET PILE. Much of the furniture seems to involve CINDERBLOCKS. The pattern on DIRK'S BED and its sheets appeals to you greatly.

 

**> Retrieve box from under Dirk's bed**

 

You pull out a CARDBOARD BOX with a shipping label indicating it was sent from JAN MULDERS. You aren't sure how he received MAIL in SEA HITLER'S WATER APOCALYPSE, but then again, PM sure is a hell of a parcel mistress.

 

**> Open box**

 

You OPEN the BOX.

 

Inside it is ANOTHER BOX, but this one is more of a STORAGE BIN. It is plastic and clear and keeps debris away from the ARSENAL OF PHALLUSES stored within it.

 

Feathers ain't good for assholes.

 

**> Retrieve phalluses**

 

You RETRIEVE THE PHALLUSES.

 

Within the box you find CHANCE THE FLARED STALLION in HIGHBLOOD B100, DAVE THE WEREWOLF, and THE ULTIMATE FANTASY.

 

There are some other ITEMS inside the box, but they are not PHALLUSES.

 

BAD DRAGON DILDOS DISCOVERED: 3/11

 

**> Examine other items**

 

Inside the box is also SUGAR STAR THE PONY, ROWAN THE DRAFT HORSE, and MARY THE ANTHRO MARE.

 

Additionally, there is a bottle of CUM LUBE, some LATEX GLOVES, and various CONDOMS.

 

BAD DRAGON ~~DILDOS~~ ITEMS DISCOVERED: 7/11

 

**> Take lube**

 

INVENTORY

 

\- troll bulge

\- god tier outfit

\- stealth camo

\- infinite ammo

\- horse mask

\- cum lube (8oz)

 

EQUIPMENT

 

camoflosh

 

**> Look behind microwave**

 

It isn't a MICROWAVE. It's a SENDIFICATOR, but you didn't know that. That's okay. I'm here to be your friendly and informative guide.

 

You feel like you should know more about this SENDIFICATOR and you feel attached to it in a way you can't sufficiently explain while naked in Dirk's bedroom.

 

Behind the SENDIFICATOR is a PRINTED PHOTOGRAPH OF HUGGY BEAR, a GEROMY PLUSH, and A FANCY SANTA.

 

**> Put GEROMY PLUSH into SENDIFICATOR**

 

It fits. It sits.

 

**> Look for button**

 

You need to check under the hood.

 

The SENDIFICATOR has a PANEL on the side, unrelated to BUTTONS that need THUMPING.

 

**> Examine panel**

 

The panel has three buttons. One is red. One is blue. One is green.

 

**> Hit red button with fist**

 

You successfully DESTROY ALL SYNTHETIC LIFE IN THE UNIVERSE, thusly also puzzlemurdering my fine self.

 

[[ GAME OVER ]]

  
  
  


**Restart from last save? y/n**

 

Y

 

**> Examine panel**

 

The panel has three buttons. One is red. One is blue. One is green.

 

You consider asking your RAD NARRATOR for some HOT TIPS.

 

**> Ask NARRATOR for HOT TIPS**

 

A wise decision.

 

You are in DIRK'S ROOM.

 

You are wearing CAMOFLOSH and NOT MUCH ELSE.

 

DIRK is in his BATHROOM, confused.

 

You may wish to check UNDER HIS DESK.

 

Leave the fuckin' microwave alone. That shit's bad news.

 

**> Check under desk**

 

You ROOT THROUGH ALL OF DIRK'S SHIT LIKE AN ASSHOLE.

 

Under his desk is another PLASTIC STORAGE BOX.

 

Additionally, you find an ALTERNIAN CAEGAR and a TINY FIGURINE OF RAINBOW DASH.

 

You also find MINIHOOF. Awwww.

 

**> Pick up Minihoof, gently**

 

You ACQUIRE A SMALL HORSE.

 

She was napping. She whinnies at you, but it's so tiny it's like a fuckin' hummingbird. Awwwwwwwwwww oh my goddddddd.

 

**> Put Minihoof on top of the desk where it's probably a little bit safer so she won't get stepped on**

 

You put MINIHOOF on the desk.

 

She snorts her appreciation and does that horse snuffly nuzzle thing on THE BACK OF YOUR REPTILIAN HAND.

 

She then falls back asleep next to Dirk's keyboard.

 

**> Take Rainbow Dash**

 

You take her. Consensually.

 

**> Fondly regard sleeping pony**

 

You do. She's adorable.

 

CALIBORN'S DOKI METER: 0/11

DIRK'S BLUSHUU METER: 1/11

COINS BOUNCED OFF SMUPPET ASSES: 0

HEADS DECAPITATED: 0, for now

BAD DRAGON DILDOS DISCOVERED: 7/11

ORGASMS ACHIEVED: 0

DEPRESSION ACHIEVED: 1/11

SMALL COLORFUL HORSES RESCUED: 2

 

INVENTORY

 

\- troll bulge

\- god tier outfit

\- stealth camo

\- infinite ammo

\- horse mask

\- cum lube (8oz)

\- rainbow dash figurine

 

EQUIPMENT

 

camoflosh

  
  


There was a BOX and a CAEGAR.

 

**> Take caegar**

 

It is now yours. You feel a deep spiritual connection to the legislacerators of ancient Alternia. You don't know how you feel about feeling so spiritual about troll history, honestly.

 

You have a sudden urge to eat chalk, or lick something.

 

**> Lick something**

 

You'll have to be more specific.

 

**> Lick Rainbow Dash**

 

You lick her. She tastes like plastic and dust.

 

Somewhere, a brony's dreams are crushed. Crushed beneath the taste buds of your forked tongue.

 

**> Ask SQUAREWAVE about DILDOS**

 

“YO DOGG HOW'S IT GOIN' YOU WANNA RAP OR SOMETHIN' I GOT TIME FOR THAT IF YOU DIGGGGGG"

 

**> Never mind**

 

A wise decision.

 

**> Check plastic box**

 

It is another LOOT CRATE of SEX TOYS and ACCOUTREMENTS.

 

Inside you find a BULLET VIBRATOR, and a spray bottle of TOY CLEANER. They are BAD DRAGON branded.

 

BAD DRAGON ~~DILDOS~~ ITEMS DISCOVERED: 9/11

 

Never forget.

 

**> Search smuppet/hat pile**

 

You are a brave man.

 

Within the SMUPPET/HAT PILE you find a WEATHERED COPY OF PONY PALS #17 BY JEANNE BETANCOURT, a TANK TOP, a DOOHICKEY, and a TAPE MEASURER.

 

The TAPE MEASURER is Bad Dragon branded. Fucking score!

 

BAD DRAGON ~~DILDOS~~ ITEMS DISCOVERED: 10/11

 

**> Examine doohickey**

 

It's some kind of fucking MacGuffin.

 

**> Fap on dirk's bed while he's not taking a shower**

 

You sure about that, friend?

 

Y/N

 

**> YYYYYY**

 

Hell fucking Y.

 

You use DIRK'S SEX TOYS to fondle yourself on DIRK'S BED. You think about how fuckin' rad it is that his bedsheets match your TABLE STICKBALL aesthetic. You think about how hot it would've been if he'd gotten into the shower.

 

Come to think of it, you hear the water running. Damn.

 

Who cares, though. The amount of WEREWOLF DONG you have shoved up your cloaca is distracting you from whatever else. 

 

Worth.

 

ORGASMS ACHIEVED: 1

[[ GAME OVER ]]

CALIBORN'S DOKI METER: 11/11

DIRK'S BLUSHUU METER: 1/11

COINS BOUNCED OFF SMUPPET ASSES: 0

HEADS DECAPITATED: 0, for now

BAD DRAGON DILDOS DISCOVERED: 10/11

ORGASMS ACHIEVED: 1

DEPRESSION ACHIEVED: 2/11

SMALL COLORFUL HORSES RESCUED: 2

 

INVENTORY

 

\- troll bulge

\- god tier outfit

\- stealth camo

\- infinite ammo

\- horse mask

\- cum lube (8oz)

\- rainbow dash figurine

\- caegar

 

EQUIPMENT

 

camoflosh

 

CONTINUE Y/N

 

**Y**

 

Whoa, what were you doing there? You kind of spaced out for a second.

 

Anyway. You are kind of gross now and covered in lube that also looks like jizz.

 

Maybe you should SHOWER.

 

Maybe you should also STOP BEING INVISIBLE, you fucking weirdo.

 

**> Go to the bathroom**

 

What, on his bed? Jesus.

 

#kinkshaming

 

**> unequip CAMOFLOSH**

 

You are no longer JAKE SNAKE and are just kind of a REGULAR SNAKE. Isn't REGULAR SNAKE's name DAVE? Life is strange. Life is fucking miraculous.

 

You are no longer invisible, but you are naked. Do you count as an emperor, though?

 

**> Enter bathroom**

 

You enter the BATHROOM.

 

DIRK is HOT, WET, AND NAKED.

 

**> Flirt with Dirk**

 

That's kind of vague, friend.

 

DIRK is HOT, WET, and NAKED.

 

CALIBORN'S DOKI METER: 1/11

 

**> Point out to Dirk that you are both naked**

 

You do this. You compare the fuck out of your respective situations.

 

The SHOWER SPRAY is REALLY POWERFUL, and he's having trouble HEARING YOU.

 

Dirk sticks his head out from the shower stall. STEAM escapes from the sliding door.

 

"What?"

 

You repeat what you just said. He eyes you up and down.

 

"Aren't you still wearing your suspenders, though?

 

**> Show Dirk your lube hands**

 

Dirk covers his mouth with his hand and looks away. "Uh, so... Where'd you get that?"

 

**> Tell Dirk you need to shower**

 

You ignore both of Dirk's questions and tell him that you need to shower.

 

He glances around at the stall.

 

"It's kind of SMOL in here. Do you wanna trade?"

 

**> Trade spots with Dirk**

 

You trade spots with Dirk.

 

It's also a FUCKING ORDEAL because the bathroom is REALLY SMALL and you DIDN'T CLOSE THE DOOR WHEN YOU CAME IN.

 

There was a lot you didn't do when you came, actually. But that's besides the point.

 

Dirk deftly manages NOT TO SLIP. He wraps a TOWEL around his waist.

 

You get in the SHOWER.

 

The WATER is HOT. There is an array of BOTH AND SPAM PRODUCTS.

 

**> Examine soap**

 

It might be generous to call this soap, but it is what it is. The bottles are so shitty you can't quite get your claws to grip them correctly.

 

There is HOMES SMELL YA LATER SICKLE SCENTED SHAMPOO, "APPLE" BODY WASH, and two bottles marked SUBWAY STANK and SQUIRREL ODOR.

 

**> Smell subway stank**

 

I'm not sure if you're brave or just stupid. There's a lot of words things can be when you're confused.

 

You take a big whiff of the SUBWAY STANK through your OPEN NOSTRILS.

 

You have a sudden deep-seated desire for a FOOTLONG.

 

...SANDWICH.

 

**> Smell squirrel odor**

 

You smell the SQUIRREL ODOR.

 

[Some times video games DOES CAUSE violenc](http://www.mspaintadventures.com/sweetbroandhellajeff/?cid=004.jpg)

 

**> Retrieve hand soap from sink and use that instead**

 

There's no need. There's a second shelf behind you where Dirk uses SANDALWOOD SCENTED BAR SOAP, because he is a love interest in your romfic.

 

**> Slather body with soap**

 

You ~~slither~~ slather your body with the soap. You successfully remove the traces of CUM LUBE on your hands and cloaca and also kind of that lower part of your stomach and thighs and you're not sure how this shit got everywhere really?

 

You wipe at it several times until the water rinses clean.

 

Damn, you smell nice.

 

**> Rinse all of soap off**

 

You don't need a URINARY TRACT INFECTION when you're trying to get your yogurtboner on, so you make sure you don't have soap shoved anywhere unpleasant, or just stuck to you in general.

 

**> Look for towel**

 

You can't see shit. You're inside the shower stall.

 

**> Exit shower**

 

You exit the shower.

 

**> Retrieve towel**

 

God do you wish that SMELLY HORSE MAN was around right now because you have FAILED AS AN INTERSTELLAR HITCHHIKER, and you are WITHOUT A TOWEL.

 

Dirk took the only one in the bathroom, that rat bastard.

 

On the shower door hangs a PAIR OF DIRK'S JEANS. On the bathroom door hangs one of his T-SHIRTS.

 

**> Loudly request towel**

 

You scream at the top of your lungs to be heard over the SHOWER, which you neglected to TURN OFF. Jesus, are you Donny Osmond, here?

 

Dirk is your ~~knight~~ prince in ~~shining armor~~ a pair of grey boxer-briefs, though, and he opens the door a crack and HANDS YOU A TOWEL.

 

"Here!"

 

**> Turn off shower**

 

Goddamn right.

 

**> Exit bathroom wearing towel**

 

You exit the bathroom wearing a towel. You are the fucking OLD SPICE CENTAUR GUY right now. You are that guy, as fuck.

 

**> Enter bathroom and examine mirror**

 

You do an about-face and go back into the bathroom, as if you had accidentally thumped a button on a directional pad in a videogame.

 

You EXAMINE THE MIRROR.

 

Holy fucking shit you are so fucking attractive jesus fuck look at your face. God damn. Good fucking god damn.

 

CALIBORN'S DOKI METER: 2/11

 

**> Snap out of narcissistic trance and actually examine mirror**

 

You snop right out of that trance. It was a good trance, though.

 

The MIRROR is attached to a MEDICINE CABINET. The MIRROR ITSELF is kind of FOGGED UP at the moment.

 

**> Draw dicks in the steam**

 

You draw dicks in the steam.

 

You want to know all about human boners. Allllllll about them.

 

You also hope Dirk sees this the next time he showers.

  
  


**> Open that fucking cabinet**

 

There's no need to be rude.

 

Inside the cabinet you find a PIG MASK, a SET OF ROBOTIC ARMS, a RED RIBBON, and MENG THE CHINESE MICRO DRAGON.

 

You don't know how the fuck all that fit in there alongside the routine medical supplies.

 

But who gives a fuck! You totally got an additional dragon dildo, which is a dildo dragon in this instance.

 

BAD DRAGON DILDOS DISCOVERED: 11/11

 

ACHIEVEMENT UNLOCKED: TEREZI'S BROTHER FROM ANOTHER MOTHER, WHICH IS ALSO HER WET DREAM

 

**> Take red ribbon**

 

You take the ribbon.

 

You aren't sure if you should continue with the goddamn DBZ jokes, but maybe you could stand to be Dr. Gero for a while. Maybe you could stand to be an android with a Red Ribbon army.

 

Maybe you should fondly regard some anbroids, is my point. But I digress.

 

**> Fuck the narrator**

 

Oh murr.

 

**> Disregard all those bullshit words, remove towel, and equip red ribbon above your crotch**

 

You disregard some shit and disregard the towel and fasten the red ribbon above your crotch.

 

Motherfuck, check YOU out. You tied that shit like a bow. A bow of ribbone on a beiuetuifiul ponny.

 

No way in hell Dirk's gonna resist this shit.

 

We won't question how you got it to stay there, but. Shhhhhh.

 

**> Enter dirk's room**

 

You enter DIRK'S ROOM.

 

He is on his COMPUTER.

 

CALIBORN'S DOKI METER: 2/11

DIRK'S BLUSHUU METER: 1/11

COINS BOUNCED OFF SMUPPET ASSES: 0

HEADS DECAPITATED: 0, for now

BAD DRAGON DILDOS DISCOVERED: 11/11

ORGASMS ACHIEVED: 1

DEPRESSION ACHIEVED: 2/11

SMALL COLORFUL HORSES RESCUED: 2

 

INVENTORY

 

\- troll bulge

\- god tier outfit

\- stealth camo/camoflosh

\- infinite ammo

\- horse mask

\- cum lube  (7oz) 

\- rainbow dash figurine

\- caegar

\- red ribbon

 

EQUIPMENT

 

\- red ribbon

 

**> Greet dirk, sexily**

 

You stand before him with a ribbon above your crotch and damp feet. You are goddamned irresistible. You smell like sandalwood. Fuck yes.

 

Dirk PUNCHES THE KEYS. He is FIGHTING WITH SOMEONE ON THE INTERNET.

 

**> Clear your throat in mild annoyance and greet him louder**

 

You do this.

 

He startles a little, but his features soften when he sees you. Oh my god. Just like one of your animes.

 

You're feeling a little bit more HAL than DAVE right now. Which is absolutely a METAL GEAR JOKE about a GUY WHO PISSES HIMSELF and a GUY WHO RAISES SLED DOGS. And nothing else. Nothing else ever.

 

Your narrator clears his throat, too. Or he would, if he had one.

 

Dirk smiles. "Hey."

 

CALIBORN'S DOKI METER: 3/11

 

**> Ask dirk if he's fucking busy, not like that**

 

Dirk bites his lip and lifts an eyebrow at you.

 

"Like, busy fucking?"

 

CALIBORN'S DOKI METER: 4/11

DIRK'S BLUSHUU METER: 2/11

 

**> Ask Dirk if he'd like to be busy fucking**

 

Dirk's face falls. "Well, yeah, but this 21st century chode is trying to tell me that Equestria Girls isn't a fucking abomination upon his antediluvial Earth. How can anyone be that dense? That's fucking... that's sacrilege, dude."

 

DEPRESSION ACHIEVED: 3/11

 

**> Tell Dirk to get the fuck over STUPID CHILDREN'S CARTOONS FOR DUMB BABIES WHO SHIT THEIR DIAPERS**

 

[[ GAME OVER ]]

  
  
  


**> Offer to pet Dirk's hair**

 

Dirk brightens. "Yeah, that'd be really nice. My hair's unsculpted so it's physically possible now."

 

You feel queasy. Dirk is a little too aware of his surroundings.

 

This is all very meta.

 

**> Pet Dirk's hair, pet it so good, pet all the parts of Dirk's hair, with your little snake fingers and grabby paws**

 

You do that. The narrator assumes for the sake of argument you mean the hair on his head, and only that hair, for the time being.

 

Your hair pets are on par with the sex Dirk has had in the past in terms of physical enjoyment. It's really good shit.

 

His shoulders relax. He leans back in his chair and makes a contented noise.

 

CALIBORN'S DOKI METER: 5/11

DIRK'S BLUSHUU METER: 3/11

 

**> Migrate hair petting to neck and shoulder touching, near his ears and jawline, that whole thing**

 

You like having your hands on him, and whatever that fuckwad online was bitching about, he needs to not worry about it. That shit is so dumb. SO DUMB, DIRK.

 

You run your fingers through his hair. It's still a little damp, but that's okay. You rub at his neck and shoulders and play with those fuckin' anime eartails that always get caught in the temples of his shades.

 

Dirk sighs and lets his eyes fall closed. "That's really, really nice."

 

DIRK'S BLUSHUU METER: 4/11

 

**> Move petting down to Dirk's chest**

 

You move the petting down to Dirk's chest. His skin is a bit clammy because showers but he's mostly air-dried by this point. He smells nice.

 

He reaches up to grab your wrists and pull you down to hug him from behind.

 

The computer chair is totally in the way, but you kinda get around the headrest and make do with it.

 

You lean your chin on top of his head. He holds your hands.

 

It's really gay.

 

CALIBORN'S DOKI METER: 6/11

DIRK'S BLUSHUU METER: 5/11

 

**> If the doki meters go up do we just jizz in our pants?**

 

You should ask Andy Samberg.

 

He is lonely on an island, just like Jake.

 

**> Spin that motherfucker around**

 

You spin him right round, baby, right round. Like a broken record that maybe had a Scratch initiated on it, or something?

 

All you know is, you want Dirk, Dead Or Alive. You do not want him in Flo Rida.

 

Flo Rida is underwater. So is Florida.

 

Dirk laughs as you spin him but it swiftly goes from "haha nice one bro" to "ohhhh shit" because he smacks his foot into a cinderblock.

 

Way to go, cherub Casanova.

 

DEPRESSION ACHIEVED: 4/11

 

**> Kiss his foot and make it better**

 

The angle is hella awkward. You get on down there though and you kiss his foot. You kiss the hell out of his foot.

 

Caliborn.

 

Caliborn, please. That's enough.

 

#KINKSHAMING COUNT: 2

 

**> Regroup and sit in Dirk's lap**

 

This is not a good time. Dirk has pulled his foot into his lap and is examining it, concerned.

 

You feel hella bad.

 

The ribbon falls off your crotch and daintily descends to the floor.

 

You feel hella worse.

 

DEPRESSION ACHIEVED: 5/11

 

**> DIRK I JuST WANNA SuCK YOuR DICK. I JuST WANNA SuCK YOuR DICK SO BAD.**

 

Dirk looks up at you, imploringly.

 

"Um. ...can you go grab me a band-aid?"

 

**> Go get him a fucking band-aid**

 

You return to the MEDICINE CABINET and push all the OTHER SHIT out of the way. You get some TRIPLE ANTIBIOTIC OINTMENT, some HYDROGEN PEROXIDE, a COTTON BALL and a BOX OF MY LITTLE PONY BRANDED BAND-AIDS, © 2424 HASBRO.

 

The cotton ball is making you have some [flashbacks](https://www.homestuck.com/story/7434).

 

TRIGGER'D: 1

 

**> Perform first aid on Dirk, but just hand them to Dirk because he'll do a better job and you have failed spectacularly**

 

Dirk smiles, a bit chagrined by all this shit, but appreciative nonetheless. 

 

"You ever see that Futurama where Fry keeps trying to be all suave and gentlemanly and shit for Leela and it keeps getting her hurt or near killed?"

 

He tends to his extremely minor flesh wound and leaves the band-aid trash on his desk. Slob.

 

"Well. I mean. At least we aren't doing deliveries and living in sewers."

 

**> Fail spectacularly at understanding any of that**

 

Dirk laughs. "Yeah, sorry. I keep forgetting you 'have never seen a TV show'. We gotta get on that."

 

**> THERE'S SOMETHING ELSE HERE I GOTTA GET ON**

 

Dirk blinks at you. "Television?"

 

CALIBORN'S DOKI METER: 5/11

DIRK'S BLUSHUU METER: 4/11

COINS BOUNCED OFF SMUPPET ASSES: 0

HEADS DECAPITATED: 0, for now

BAD DRAGON DILDOS DISCOVERED: 11/11

ORGASMS ACHIEVED: 1

DEPRESSION ACHIEVED: 5/11

SMALL COLORFUL HORSES RESCUED: 2

#KINKSHAMING COUNT: 2

TRIGGER'D: 1

 

INVENTORY

 

\- troll bulge

\- god tier outfit

\- stealth camo/camoflosh

\- infinite ammo

\- horse mask

\- cum lube (7oz)

\- rainbow dash figurine

\- caegar

\- red ribbon

 

EQUIPMENT

 

\- nudity

**> Totally refrain from equipping your pants, ever**

 

You've been doing a great job at this so far. Keep up the good work. I BELIEVE IN YOU, ~~RUFIO~~ CALIBORN.

 

Dirk, however, decides that this is a good moment to go put on some clothing.

 

You stand next to his computer chair and watch him as he pulls on BLACK SKINNY JEANS that look like they shouldn't be that easy to put on, and a BLACK TANK TOP with the HAT ICON that has been ASSIGNED TO HIS CHARACTER AS A VISUAL CUE BY THE NARRATIVE. The TANK TOP is also TIGHT across his CHEST. God damn.

 

He pulls on a pair of LEATHER BIKER GLOVES, that FIT HIM LIKE GLOVES. He also pulls on a pair of SOCKS. One of the SOCKS gets KIND OF CAUGHT on the PINKIE PIE BAND AID that's on his foot. He scowls at it and picks the LINT out of the ADHESIVE.

 

As always, his RADICAL SHADES are the finishing touch on his ensemble.

 

You think he's REALLY ATTRACTIVE.

 

**> Use TV as an excuse to cuddle with Dirk**

 

You could do this, probably, if you asked him!

 

**> Awkwardly equip boxers**

 

You do this.

 

Your boxers have Lil Cal's face on them. It's kind of weird.

 

**> Equip pants**

 

You have failed to totally refrain from equipping your pants, ever.

 

You are now LESS NAKED and have on DARK RED GOD TIER PAJAMA PANTS and your SUSPENDERS that YOU WORE INTO THE SHOWER.

 

**> Unequip nudity**

 

You immediately revert to being clothed in your DEFAULT GOD TIER OUTFIT.

 

**> Unequip all**

 

You are now wearing NOTHING.

 

Except SUSPENDERS.

 

**> Equip Lil Cal boxers**

 

You do.

 

You couldn't suck more dick with a puppet in your lap.

 

**> Equip smuppet slippers....smippers**

 

They don't really fit your FEET, because one of your FEET is a CHUNK OF METAL.

 

The other one would fit if it weren't for your SIZEABLE CLAWS.

 

You stop bothering with the smippers.

 

**> Go suck some dick**

 

You return to the BATHROOM and begin to FELLATE the DICKS YOU DREW IN THE MIRROR.

 

Licking the mirror ERASES THEM.

 

**> Return to bedroom**

 

You return to DIRK'S BEDROOM.

 

DIRK is shuffling through some ROBOT PARTS on his WORK DESK. You are fairly sure that he is PRETENDING TO ORGANIZE THEM, but is mostly just GETTING DISTRACTED BY THINKING ABOUT WHAT PROJECTS THEY WERE PART OF.

 

**> Examine robot parts**

 

You can't make HEADS OR TAILS of them. You can't even make LEGS OR HANDS of them. There's some SHOULDERS, KNEES, AND TOES, to boot. And some ROBO BOOTS.

 

God, there's a lot of crap in this bedroom.

 

**> Ask dirk about projects**

 

Dirk holds up a ROBOT ARM to wave at you in a way that is comically reminiscent of HOMESTUCK ACT 1. He grins.

 

"A bunch of these are from when I still had scrap metal in abundance. Those were the days, huh?"

 

He glances down at your ROBOT LEG and smiles fondly.

 

**> Blush kawaiily and ask about....organizing**

 

Dirk tilts his head. "Are you... is this a Saw joke? Are you making a joke about organs?"

 

**> no organize your shit dumbass**

 

Dirk pouts.

 

"I fuckin' know, man."

 

**> Ask Dick about ROBOT LEG**

 

Richard Nixon isn't here.

 

**> Ask Dirk about robot leg**

 

You ask Dirk about the robot leg.

 

He looks fuckin' SHY about it, but crouches down beside you and puts a hand on your ROBOT SHIN. You can't actually feel it, but you're fairly confident that his hand is WARM, so you PRETEND.

 

"This, um." His voice is quiet, and he doesn't look up at you. He runs his hand from your SHIN to your ANKLE and skates his fingertips over the rivets in the metal. "I'm glad this made it to you safely."

 

**> Thank dirk for the robot leg, again, because i've already thanked him in this timeline, he's been thanked thoroughly because he is a good and I love him**

 

You tell Dirk once again that you're thankful for the robot leg. 

 

He rests his head against your knee.

 

"Yeah, dude. No problem."

 

CALIBORN'S DOKI METER: 6/11

 

**> doki it the fuck up and pet Dirk's head affectionately**

 

You pet his hair affectionately. He sort of nuzzles against your leg.

 

This sort of nuzzles his shades right the fuck into the organic section of your thigh. Oops.

 

**> Ask senpai if he noticed me**

 

"Yeah. <3"

 

He says less than three.

 

**> Give up on even treating this like a text game**

 

We already did, long ago, my friend.

 

**> Gently push his shades on top of his head**

 

You do this, to avoid getting poked in the thigh by the CAUTION: SHARP EDGES of his shades.

 

Dirk takes them entirely off and reaches up to set them on his work station.

 

**> Run paw-hand-claw-gator-grabbies through his hair and gently get his scalp with claw tips but not in a scratchy way, in an amazing way. pull that maneuver.**

 

You do. He sighs happily.

 

Good for you, for real this time, cherub Casanova.

  
  


**> Tell dirk you need him as a romantic partner, emotionally**

 

He wraps his arms around your leg and hugs it, which is a little awkward in practice, but okay, sure. Gesture noted.

 

"I'm glad to hear that, man. I feel the same way."

 

**> Get on dirk's level and stare deeply into his eyes because I love him**

 

You do this.

 

You're kind of right the fuck in his face.

 

You two stare at each other for a long, silent moment, but eventually Dirk bursts out laughing.

 

**> Laugh with him, not at him, because this is very silly**

 

This is stupid. 

 

You start laughing, too. This makes Dirk laugh harder.

 

The circle of stupidity is complete.

 

**> Kiss his stupid face on the face**

 

You do. You kiss him somewhere between his nose and his cheek, in a space that's normally off-limits thanks to the devilishly handsome shades that typically occupy the spot.

 

He smiles self-consciously.

 

**> those shades sure are handsome, I say in an attempt to get the narrator to take pity on me for my inability to send the right prompts sometimes (internally in a way dirk isn't aware of because this is a game construct)**

 

You've come a long way, technicolor time kid.

 

**> Be Caliborn**

 

You are busy already being Caliborn.

 

**> Being Caliborn is fucking amazing**

 

Well, DuH.

 

**> kiss dirk on the mouth**

 

You kiss Dirk's stupid mouth right on the mouth.

 

He is still trying to smile while you are kissing him, which means his stupid mouth isn't really all that relaxed, but you're both kinda giddy so that's all right you guess.

 

**> press forehead to Dirk's and run hands from the back of his head down to his neck and kinda also near his ears in a really pleasant motion**

 

You do this. He makes another happy sound that gives you a lot of dokis that you have to just take for what they are, because being around him in general gives you dokis and I can't assign each one of those a point score. One hopes your cherub heart beats satisfactorily most of the time, as a rule.

 

Dirk pulls back and looks at you, embarrassed.

 

"Uh, so. Were you going through my sex toys? Because they're... kinda all over the place?"

 

**> Confirm nor don't deny your involvement in the sex toy thing one way or another**

 

You fumble through a string of words that doesn't give him much information on a surface level, but makes it fairly fucking obvious to anyone with a brain that you were doing just that. Even if that brain doesn't have nearly the processing power of a bro-tastic supercomputer, pssh.

 

**> Address the meta achievement**

 

You explain to Dirk that you were trying to make sure you collected all 11 out of 11 Bad Dragon products before continuing on your quest to seduce him, and that also you prevented Minihoof from dying a sad, sad, snuff/crush death.

 

#kinkshaming

 

#KINKSHAMING COUNT: 3

 

You don't mention that you were also busy coming all over yourself, but since you proudly showed him your lube hands, earlier, he sort of guessed.

 

Dirk shakes his head, amused, but doesn't seem all that put out. "At least put them back when you're done, all right? That's some shit, man. Givin' me shit for being disorganized, and then throwing dongs all over the place."

 

**> Fast forward to the rimming**

 

You can't use your time powers here, dude.

 

**> Apologize for the dongs, but ask if he gets the picture yet**

 

You would never apologize for the existence of dongs, but you apologize for making a mess on his bed. Cough.

 

"You found the TOY CLEANER, though, right? You should go use that."

 

You ask if he gets the picture.

 

"What, of Huggy Bear?"

 

**> Use toy cleaner on dildos**

 

You use the TOY CLEANER, and really you only need to clean DAVID THE WEREWOLF, because that's the one you got to know, biblically.

 

You clean the toy so it's KNOT YOUR PROBLEM ANYMORE.

 

**> Enter Dirk's room**

 

You are already in Dirk's room.

 

This sets off a chain of events similar to some kind of Being John Malkovich shit.

 

Dirk is aroused.

 

**> Ask Dirk about sex with Dirk**

 

You resolve to ask Dirk in a more personal way.

 

**> Ask Dirk about sex**

 

He smiles. "It's just Spike Jonze splinters all the way down."

 

Dirk repeats the word "Malkovich" to himself several times over, under his breath.

 

**> Ask Dirk about clean dildo**

 

You ask Dirk about the clean dildo. He gives you a thumbs up, which is an INDECENT GESTURE.

 

"Yeah! Thanks, dude. You're welcome to use whatever as long as it doesn't get grody afterwards."

 

You could ask the NARRATOR for HOT TIPS.

 

**> Suck the narrator's dick for hot tips**

 

You cannot suck the NARRATOR'S DICK as he is a RAD AI WITHOUT A BODY.

 

DIRK.

 

WITHOUT A BODY, DIRK.

 

**> Ask nicely for hot tips to stroke his ego instead**

 

You may do that.

 

I suggest you CHECK OUT THE REST OF THE APARTMENT.

 

Also, how about that ALTERNIAN CAEGAR?

 

CALIBORN'S DOKI METER: 6/11

DIRK'S BLUSHUU METER: 4/11

COINS BOUNCED OFF SMUPPET ASSES: 0

HEADS DECAPITATED: 0, for now

BAD DRAGON DILDOS DISCOVERED: 11/11

ORGASMS ACHIEVED: 1

DEPRESSION ACHIEVED: 5/11

SMALL COLORFUL HORSES RESCUED: 2

#KINKSHAMING COUNT: 3

TRIGGER'D: 1

 

INVENTORY

 

\- troll bulge

\- god tier outfit

\- stealth camo/camoflosh

\- infinite ammo

\- horse mask

\- cum lube (7oz)

\- rainbow dash figurine

\- caegar

\- red ribbon

 

EQUIPMENT

 

\- suspenders

\- lil cal boxers

  
  


**> Come all over rainbow dash**

 

Get that tulpa shit out of here.

 

**> Check out rest of apartment**

 

DIRK'S APARTMENT has several other ROOMS, including the KITCHEN, the HALLWAY, the LIVING ROOM (that's connected to the KITCHEN) and the GIGANTIC STORAGE SPACE BENEATH THE APARTMENT'S MAIN FLOOR.

 

**> Examine hallway**

 

You can't actually examine the hallway from within Dirk's room. The door is blocked by CAPTAIN SNOOP.

 

You'll have to go INTO THE CLOSET, and then subsequently COME OUT OF THE CLOSET into the kitchen, and kind of double back.

 

**> Enter closet**

 

Oh honey, you were already here.

 

**> Come out of closet**

 

I am so, so proud of you.

 

**> Examine kitchen**

 

You examine DIRK'S KITCHEN. There's a majestic HORSE SCULPTURE that is mounted to the WALL. A REFRIGERATOR towers above you. On top of it is a SPARE HEAD FOR BROBOT. The kitchen counter is littered with ROBOT PARTS and BOTTLES OF ORANGE SODA. Some of the bottles are EMPTY. Clean up after yourself, Dirk, with your bodied privilege. Fuck's sake.

 

The KITCHEN is distinctly LACKING A MICROWAVE.

 

**> Definitely make out with horse sculpture**

 

Oh neigh. <3

 

Actually, this is hard to do, because it's wrought iron. You need to get your sick fires out of this iron.

 

**> Look inside fridge**

 

The REFRIGERATOR is stocked amply with SHITTY SWORDS.

 

**> See if sink works**

 

It does indeed.

 

**> Examine living room**

 

The LIVING ROOM is even more cluttered than DIRK'S BEDROOM.

 

A large TV sits on top of a TV STAND. There is an XBOX branded console on its shelf. Also in the room is VARIOUS SOUND EQUIPMENT, BAGS OF POLYFILL, and a FUTON. Various POSTERS adorn the walls. Some of them involve PUPPETS. Many of them involve HORSES. A few involve BEN STILLER, OWEN WILSON, and DONALD GLOVER.

 

A stack of ANCIENT HISTORY BOOKS occupies the far corner. 

 

There is a TRAPDOOR in the center of the room, but the FUTON is covering it.

 

**> Assess weight of futon**

 

Standard futon weight. It's unwieldy, though. You would probably want Dirk to help you move it.

 

**> Fuck Dirk already**

 

He's not in here, dummy!

 

**> Shout across the apartment "DIRK I AM SO HORNY GET IN HERE AND FUCK ME INTO THIS FUTON"**

 

Dirk takes a moment but he makes his way into the LIVING ROOM.

 

"What? All I heard was 'fuck the futon'."

 

**> Plead for dirk to fuck me, I am so fucking horny and he is so fucking hot, I am halfway through my doki meter already**

 

Dirk wags his eyebrows. "I love it when you talk about really meta game constructs, dude. It gets me hard."

 

DIRK'S BLUSHUU METER: 5/11

 

**> Lay on the futon all sexy-like**

 

You do this. It looks kind of fucking dumb, though, because you're wearing boxers printed with Lil Cal's face, and your suspenders are attached to the waistband, which... Why would you even do that?

 

**> Insist that this is Dirk's aesthetic**

 

You insist to Dirk that this is exactly his aesthetic.

 

Dirk opens his mouth to say something, then stops himself. He thinks about this.

 

He thinks about this really long and really hard, then shrugs.

 

"Okay, yeah. I can't argue with that."

 

**> Invite Dirk over to the futon is a super sexy manner, sexily-like, if he were a furry he'd be all "murr"**

 

You sexily tell him something that you're sure has been roleplayed in the comments of deviantART or FurAffinity, and in doing so, violated the terms of service of those websites.

 

Dirk rolls his eyes, but he does smile at you, and sits on the futon next to you.

 

Your robot leg is kinda kicking him in the hip, so you scoot over enough that he has room.

 

**> Get your motherfuckin' cuddle on**

 

You motherfuckin' get your fuckin' wicked-ass cuddles on, my invertebrother.

 

You're facing the wrong way, though, so what you end up doing is laying your legs across his lap.

 

He rests his hands on your shins and kind of rubs on your leg. Your organic one, this time.

 

**> Scoot butt right up on him, against his thigh to maximize contact**

 

You do that. Your feet are now hanging over the edge of the FUTON, and since the arms of it are made of WOOD, this is a little uncomfortable for you.

 

Dirk moves his hands to pet at your stomach. His hand occasionally runs into the suspender straps, but that's to be expected when you won't take the damn things off.

 

**> Pull Dirk down on top of you with that between legs lay on top of you thing for maximum cuddle contact**

 

You do that.

 

Your feet are still hanging over the edge, and he's kind of twisted at an odd angle, but he smiles fondly at you before resting his head on your chest and closing his eyes.

 

He gropes around for your hand and holds it.

 

Fuckin' gay.

 

CALIBORN'S DOKI METER: 7/11

DIRK'S BLUSHUU METER: 6/11

 

**> kinda shuffle up into a slightly more comfortable position without really disturbing dirk, just making us both more comfy**

 

You do that also.

 

He pulls his legs up onto the futon and shifts around until he's got his arms wrapped around your torso and his face tucked against your shoulder.

 

Fuck.

 

CALIBORN'S DOKI METER: 8/11

 

**> reach around and kinda pet up and down his back and shoulders**

 

You do the thing.

 

Dirk does the thing where he kinda gets his thigh over yours and kinda maybe grinds against your thigh. He makes a soft noise against your neck.

 

The jeans are killing you, though. The denim is not comfortable to have digging into you. If you had balls, you would also feel sorry for Dirk's.

 

Regardless of the jeans situation:

 

DIRK'S BLUSHUU METER: 7/11

 

(He's in heaven. And also a convenience store.)

 

**> Unequip all, and ask Dirk to do the same**

 

You can't UNEQUIP ALL, because he's on top of you.

 

You do, however, politely request that Dirk UNEQUIP ALL.

 

He grinds harder against you. You can feel his male human boner. It's digging into your leg but so are the jeans.

 

"Fuck yeah, talk dirty to me about command line prompts."

 

DIRK'S BLUSHUU METER: 8/11

 

**> Vocalize discomfort about jeans**

 

You inform Dirk that the jeans are digging into your delicate snake skin in ways that you wish it wasn't.

 

He stops humping your leg, and looks apologetic. He is also vocally apologetic. "Sorry, dude. Did I hurt you?"

 

DEPRESSION ACHIEVED: 6/11 (BUT IT'S REALLY NOBODY'S FAULT.)

 

**> Kinda get thumbs up (this time the gesture is even more indecent) in the waistband of those genes to further emphasize the point that those suckers have gotta' go, but also kinda grind back into Dirk because he is a hot son of a bitch and he needs to know that.**

 

You get your thumbs so far up into him that you touch his very ectobiological DNA.

 

So to speak.

 

You also get your thumbs into the waistband of his jeans, right above his PLUSH RUMP. The very plushest. Bounce a coin off dat ass, it ain't goin' anywhere.

 

The jeans need to go somewhere, though, and that somewhere is probably straight to hell. Or at least straight to the floor.

 

You'd settle for them going queerly to the floor, too. It's whatever.

 

Dirk sits back on his heels, on the futon, and smirks at you. "You wanna help?"

 

**> fuck yes???**

 

The narrator knows you're very enthusiastic about it.

 

Dirk now knows also, because the narrator assumed you told him that emphatic "fuck yes???", so you did, for the sake of this game.

 

He grabs for your wrists and guides them around to the front of his hips, and looks at you expectantly.

 

**> unzip his genes**

 

You're not helicase.

 

**> unzip his jeans**

 

Much better with the homo -nyms this time.

 

Dirk watches you as you unbutton and unzip his jeans. They are hella tight across his hips and you hope you're able to slide them off him without them getting stuck. God, that'd be awkward.

 

Your fingertips brush across his boner, through his boxer-briefs. His breath catches in his throat.

 

You kinda choke a little.

 

CALIBORN'S DOKI METER: 9/11

DIRK'S BLUSHUU METER: 9/11

 

NEVER 4GET.

 

**> get hand in there and kinda touch that boner**

 

You slide your hand into the front of his jeans and palm him. His dick is mega hard. It's mega hot.

 

Your hand is mega stuck.

 

**> take dirk's boner out, if stuck hand permits**

 

Your stuck hand doesn't really permit that but it does permit feeling him up. You can't actually feel his pulse, but you think that'd be hot so you pretend that you can.

 

He hasn't seemed to notice that your hand is, in fact, stuck, and thinks that this is all intentional, so he braces one of his hands on the back of the futon and rolls his hips towards your hand.

 

You could ask the narrator for some REALLY HOT TIPS.

 

**> Ask narrator for HOT TISPS i mean TIPS**

 

The narrator suggests for HOT TISPS that you consider pouring yourself a drink, if you're of age.

 

As for HOT TIPS, the narrator suggests that you LUBRICATE YOUR HAND to set it free from its bondage. Maybe check the MENU.

 

**> Check MENU**

 

CALIBORN'S DOKI METER: 9/11

DIRK'S BLUSHUU METER: 9/11

COINS BOUNCED OFF SMUPPET ASSES: 0

HEADS DECAPITATED: 0, for now

BAD DRAGON DILDOS DISCOVERED: 11/11

ORGASMS ACHIEVED: 1

DEPRESSION ACHIEVED: 6/11

SMALL COLORFUL HORSES RESCUED: 2

#KINKSHAMING COUNT: 3

TRIGGER'D: 1

 

INVENTORY

 

\- troll bulge

\- god tier outfit

\- stealth camo/camoflosh

\- infinite ammo

\- horse mask

\- cum lube (7oz)

\- rainbow dash figurine

\- caegar

\- red ribbon

 

EQUIPMENT

 

\- suspenders

\- lil cal boxers

 

**> Use hand to kind of wiggle his jeans down**

 

You use your unstuck hand to try to tug his jeans down but the additional strain put on the fabric from your stuck hand is enough that they won't budge.

 

This is stupid. This is incredibly stupid.

 

[You wish you'd gotten a BUTTER ENDORSEMENT DEAL but all you have is an endorsement deal for EXPLOSIONSAUCE.](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tZN0NUsDZ9Y)

 

**> Use cum lube**

 

You use ONE OUNCE of BAD DRAGON (TM) CUM LUBE to lubricate your hand and wriggle it free from Dirk's tight-ass pants.

 

DIRK'S PANTS are now DIRK'S CUM-STAINED HOTPANTS.

 

Your hand is free. You are having flashbacks to other times you had to get free. You have mixed feelings, but regardless:

 

TRIGGER'D: 2

\- cum lube (6oz)

 

**> use hand that isn't lubed up to wiggle pants down**

 

It's nice that you make the effort to use the lubeless hand, but it's kind of a foregone conclusion at this point. The jeans are in trouble.

 

The pants do, in fact, slide down to mid-thigh. This is making it kinda tricky for him to keep his balance, but Dirk's BALANCE STAT is the highest in all of Homestuck, other than BRO, so he's in good shape nonetheless.

 

**> Touch Dirk's abs and ass to distract him from the fact that you've possibly ruined his jeans**

 

You use both hands so you can touch these body parts simultaneously. As such, you get cum lube kind of EVERYWHERE.

 

Dirk starts LAUGHING, but is still VISIBLY HARD.

 

**> Unequip suspenders**

 

That's not a command I recognize.

 

**> Ask Dirk to take off your boxers**

 

You ask Dirk this.

 

He smirks at you. "I need to take care of something, first."

 

Dirk just sort of... reaches out and... takes the CUM LUBE from your inventory, and DUMPS IT UNCEREMONIOUSLY onto your boxers.

 

You now have CUM LUBE 5 OZ in your inventory.

 

You also now have CUM LUBE 1 OZ dribbling across your stomach and crotch and soaking your boxers and ew.

 

**> Pap lube onto Dirk's abs**

 

You shooshpap Dirk's stomach with cum lube.

 

You also kind of touch his dick a bit while you're at it, so he doesn't think this is just a lube fight.

 

He reaches forward to smear the lube across your stomach and up to your chest. He also FUCKS UP HIS BALANCE STAT because the lube means he can't brace his weight against you with much success, and he FALLS FORWARD ONTO YOU. It's VERY ANIME.

 

**> Gaze up into his fiery eyes with the dokis of a thousand suns**

 

You gaze at him. You gaze at him with many dokis, unrelated to the GREEN SUN, because that's not your schtick.

 

You do gaze, however, at him with the dokis of a BLACK HOLE THAT SUCKED THE LIFE OUT OF A DYING SUN NEAR YOUR HOME that brings to mind the FURTHEST RING and the HORRORTERRORS THAT LURK THERE.

 

Dirk feels a sudden disquiet that reaches into his bones and somewhere in his reptile brain, back in the long past of his species.

 

DEPRESSION ACHIEVED: 7/11

 

You also want to SUCK THE LIFE OUT OF HIM, but not literally.

 

**> Kiss him right on the face because I LOVE HIM**

 

You did that earlier!

 

**> Bless Dirk's forehead with lube finger**

 

You mark the SIGN OF THE CROSS on Dirk's forehead. This might be a LION SHAKESPEARE thing, or it might be some kind of TROLL JEGUS thing, or maybe it's a MOTHERFUCKIN' MIRACLE, KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING, BRO?

 

This sigil wards off the negative impact of the HORRORTERRORS' INVOCATION.

 

DEPRESSION -2X COMBOBOB

 

DEPRESSION ACHIEVED: 5/11

 

**> Touch his butt again because it's exposed now**

 

You touch his butt with both hands. There's lube everywhere. It's kinda nice, though, in that "I searched for wet and messy slime and goo videos on pornhub" sort of way.

 

Dirk presses his ass back against your hands and rolls his hips. The jeans are still a problem, but at least they're out of the way enough that you can feel his DICK against your INNER THIGH through his BOXER-BRIEFS, even if everything is SOAKED IN CUM LUBE and the open zipper is still KINDA DIGGING INTO YOUR LEG, NOW.

 

You move your head to kiss at his neck. He takes in a sharp breath and lets you do your thing.

 

DIRK'S BLUSHUU METER: 10/11

 

**> Ask Dirk about sex**

 

You ask Dirk about sex.

 

He tilts his chin up towards you and speaks very close to your face, his lips hovering near yours. "What, like in general? Like on a form? 'Sex: yes please' and that kinda thing?"

 

**> Ask Dirk if the two of you can have sex right the fuck now**

 

You ask Dirk if you guys can GET THE FUCK ON WITH IT, ALREADY. Or maybe GET IT THE FUCK ON, ALREADY. Something along those lines.

 

He wiggles his butt in your hands and grins at you. "Holy shit, Caliborn, I didn't know you felt that way. This is the first I've heard of it."

 

**> Fail to appreciate sarcasm**

 

You stare at Dirk and narrow your eyes. You don't get it.

 

He balks. "I'm joking, dude."

 

**> DO I SOuND LIKE IM JOKING WHEN I ASK YOu TO FuCK MY CLOACA WITH YOuR HARD DICK, DIRK?**

 

Dirk horsesnorts, appropriately.

 

"Yes."

 

**> I AM SO FAR FROM JOKING, DIRK.**

 

Dirk grins at you and leans in even closer to your face. When he exhales it's going into your nostrils. It's weird but you love him so you don't say anything about it.

 

"Is this your serious face? This is serious business. [It's business time.](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f4O4-09qVec)"

 

**> Ask Dirk to give you the business**

 

Dirk rattles off a bunch of statistics on his business plan for a puppetfucking website.

 

You zone out.

 

**> Do the 90%/10% thing from Hitch**

 

Karkat convinced you to watch that movie and you're a sucker for romcoms so you close the distance and kiss Dirk gently, so gently, because of his fleshy nonskeletal human lips and the potential damage that your PUPPETSNAKE SPACEMONSTER TEETH could cause.

 

He kisses you back. You wonder if you'd be Will Smith or Eva Mendes if your life was a Hitch AU.

 

You stop thinking about that and kiss him back.

 

**> Squawk like an imbecile and shit on your desk**

 

You can't do either of these things, because Dirk is on top of you, you're not an imbecile (in your opinion, of course, which is the only one that matters), this isn't your apartment so your desk isn't here, and you don't really have to take a shit, anyway.

 

**> Tell Dirk YOUR EYES ARE AN OCEAN. YOUR ASS IS ALSO AN OCEAN.**

 

These are facts.

 

_My bounty is as boundless as the sea,_

_My love as deep; the more I give to thee,_

_The more I have, for both are infinite._

 

\-- Andre Romelle Young

 

**> Ask Dirk about sex**

 

Dirk is bonering it up in your lap. You are both coated in lube that is SWIFTLY DRYING, but it's sufficient enough that you think you could probably make this work. 

 

You ask Dirk about sex.

 

He stops being coy and dragging the narrative away from your ultimate goal of SEDUCING DIRK, in the third person.

 

"You've asked enough times that the game flagged that we can go on, if you want."

 

**FUCK DIRK Y/N**

 

**> YYYY**

 

CALIBORN'S DOKI METER: 9/11

DIRK'S BLUSHUU METER: 10/11

 

FYI.

 

== SEX MODE ACTIVATED ==

 

[ fanfare ]

 

**> Take advantage of the fact that Dirk's pants will no longer consume hand; reach in between bodies and touch the dick with gator-grabbers**

 

You do this. His dick is nice to touch. The fabric of his boxer-briefs is sodden with lube that's now drying and it's kind of gross but man, you have just wanted to be feeling up on his dick so badly you don't even give half a fuck. Not even an eighth of a fuck. Not even an eleventh of a fuck.

 

He pushes his hips towards your hand and lets out a breathy sigh. Within moments, though, he frowns, and sits up.

 

"God, fuck these jeans, though."

 

He takes them off. Once again, this is a FUCKING ORDEAL as it has been an ORDEAL to get to the FUCKING but he's the best at pulling off his own impossible-to-wear wearables. Dirk's CUM-STAINED HOTPANTS THAT ARE ACTUALLY JEANS are dropped queerly to the floor.

 

**> Thank god**

 

Andrew Hussie says to tell you you're welcome.

 

**> Ferment lube**

 

You FERMENT THE CUM LUBE.

 

You produce something akin in texture to MISO PASTE that is also ALCOHOLIC.

 

This takes a long time though so we'll get to that later.

  
  


INVENTORY

 

\- troll bulge

\- god tier outfit

\- stealth camo/camoflosh

\- infinite ammo

\- horse mask

\- cum lube (5oz)

\- rainbow dash figurine

\- caegar

\- red ribbon

\- CUM LUBE ALCOHOLIC MISO PASTE (FUTURE)

 

**> Remove lil cal boxers and put on top of nasty pants**

 

The clothing pile DOES NOT STOP GETTING TALLER.

 

He is now free to FEEL UP ON YOUR SNAKE JUNK without having to stare at his puppet pal for life.

 

Except, y'know. You. He can stare at you.

 

You want him to stare at you.

 

**> present snake junk**

 

Your snake junk could stand to be presented in a way that is more present-like.

 

**> Equip ribbon**

 

You equip the BEIUETUIFIUL RIBBONE.

 

Since you're lying down on the futon, gravity holds it in place in a way that makes sense.

 

Dirk stops what he's doing -- which was tugging down his boxer-briefs, sucks to be you -- and looks at your snake junk. He laughs.

 

"Shit, let's be Santa. A fancy one."

 

**> Point out to Dirk that he is the only character who can use FNCYSNTAKIND**

 

Dirk sticks his tongue out at you for a little longer than you'd expect if he was just sticking his tongue out to be something of a shit. He's doing a Thing. It's a Thing and it's a Sexual Thing and it's pointed in your direction.

 

"Are you asking me to STRIFE with your junk?"

 

DIRK'S BLUSHUU METER: 11/11

 

ACHIEVEMENT UNLOCKED: RIFLE PONY FUCKFEST

 

**> STRIFE with JUNK**

 

You cannot STRIFE with your own JUNK.

 

You already did that, with DAVID THE WEREWOLF.

 

**> STRIFE with DIRK'S JUNK**

 

Which DIRKJUNK were you thinking?

 

> DIRK'S HANDS

> DIRK'S TONGUE

> DIRK'S DICK

> OTHER

 

**> MORE OPTIONS**

 

> DIRK'S ARSENAL OF PHALLUSES

> DIRK'S SMUPPET PILE

> DIRK'S HORSE STATUE

> SAWTOOTH

> SQUAREWAVE

> ORANGE SODA

 

**> Challenge Dirk's face to battle junk in one on one combat, the duel of the century**

 

Dirk kneels on the floor in front of the futon and looks up at you with THE SMOULDER (TM) which is also kind of equivalent to BLUE STEEL (TM). You don't really want to think about Ben Stiller, but it's difficult not to when his SORT OF GAUNT FACE stares down at you from many posters around the room.

 

He runs his hands up your legs and swings them over the edge of the futon, so he can hold your thighs.

 

He frowns.

 

"Dude, why... are you still wearing the suspenders, though?"

 

**> Explain the suspenders situation**

 

You explain to Dirk that you are currently UNABLE TO UNEQUIP THE SUSPENDERS as they are part of the DEFAULT SKIN overlaid on top of your MESH AND TEXTURE.

 

He looks incredibly aroused.

 

**> Download suspender patch**

 

It takes a minute because you're on goddamned dialup for some reason. You both have flashbacks to the days of AOHELL.

 

#TRIGGER'D: 3

 

**> Distract Dirk by making out with him until download finishes**

 

You try to distract him, but he won't drop the subject. He's into it.

 

He grips onto your thighs, near your hips, and lifts his head to kiss you. "What percent is it at?" he gasps, his mouth open, his tongue receptive. "What's the estimated time until it's complete?"

 

ACHIEVEMENT UNLOCKED: META METABOLISM

 

Make a shitload of meta jokes.

 

**> ask narrator what percentage the download is at**

 

Right now? It's at 28.064212.......4%, exactly.

 

**> whisper right next to his ear, real soft so he can feel the breath but not so much that it damages his hearing, that percentage**

 

You tell Dirk that percentage.

 

Dirk's eyes flutter closed. His face is flushed. He runs his hands back around your hips to rest at the small of your back as he kisses you.

 

"That's so fucking hot. What directory does it have to be installed in?"

 

**> Check on fermented lube**

 

The lube will ferment, in time. It is the nature of paradox space that all timelines fall inevitably in your favor, and that means that it too must abide your desires.

 

Your desires apparently include... this abomination.

 

The LUBE will ferment right here in your INVENTORY, but it's gonna take a lot longer than the time it takes you and Dirk to have sex.

 

....probably, unless you stall a lot more. With the rate you've been going, I wouldn't be surprised.

 

**> shut up his questions about the file system by achieving hot makeouts**

 

You stroke your fingertips along Dirk's jaw and keep his chin tilted up towards you, and kiss along the side of his face to whisper in his ear again, and you tell him that the file will be installed into C:\Program Files (x86)\D_AND_DIRKUU\Patches\ once it's finally downloaded.

 

He shivers. His skin feels hot to the touch. You got his blood flowin'.

 

You kiss him with your RIDICULOUSLY LONG FORKED TONGUE. It's good shit.

 

**> Equip horse mask and ask Dirk to do the same with batman mask**

 

You don your HORSE MASK.

 

The download has not yet finished, so you are still wearing SUSPENDERS.

 

Dirk raps about bats and Jeanna Giese and rabies and manages to pull a BATMAN MASK out of his TECH HOP MODUS. He equips it without question.

 

The narrator suggests you also ~~equiup~~ equip CHANCE THE FLARED STALLION in HIGHBLOOD B100.

 

**> Equip CHANCE THE STALLION**

 

Oh murr.

 

You are sexy as fuck. You are honestly so fucking turned on right now. You have never felt this hot or attractive in your life, and you already spend every waking hour thinking about how goddamn dapper and refined you are.

 

ACHIEVEMENT UNLOCKED: Not This Fucking Horseshit Again

 

CALIBORN'S DOKI METER: 10/11

 

**> Ask Dirk to suck your horse dick, as batman**

 

Dirk obliges, eagerly. He has fellated this horse dick before, in his time. He lifts the mask enough to grant access to his mouth and slips his lips over it, sucking it down with a wet noise that's borderline absolutely pornographic. 

 

He moans around the length of it and it sounds an awful lot like "[ualuealuealeuale](http://ualuealuealeuale.ytmnd.com/)."

 

ACHIEVEMENT UNLOCKED: RED MILES "MILE HIGH" FLYING SEXY SNAKECAPADE

 

Increase Caliborn's doki meter to 11/11

 

CALIBORN'S DOKI METER: 11/11

DIRK'S BLUSHUU METER: 11/11

COINS BOUNCED OFF SMUPPET ASSES: 0

HEADS DECAPITATED: 0, for now

BAD DRAGON DILDOS DISCOVERED: 11/11

ORGASMS ACHIEVED: 1

DEPRESSION ACHIEVED: 5/11

SMALL COLORFUL HORSES RESCUED: 2

#KINKSHAMING COUNT: 3

TRIGGER'D: 3

 

INVENTORY

 

\- troll bulge

\- god tier outfit

\- stealth camo/camoflosh

\- infinite ammo

\- horse mask

\- cum lube (5oz)

\- rainbow dash figurine

\- caegar

\- red ribbon

\- FERMENTED CUM LUBE ALCOHOLIC MISO PASTE (FUTURE)

 

EQUIPMENT

 

\- suspenders

\- horse mask

\- CHANCE THE FLARED STALLION

 

ACHIEVEMENT UNLOCKED: TEREZI'S INVERTEBROTHER FROM ANOTHER MOTHER, WHICH IS ALSO HER WET DREAM

Locate 11/11 dragon-dildo-related items

 

ACHIEVEMENT UNLOCKED: RIFLE PONY FUCKFEST

Increase Dirk's blushuu meter to 11/11

 

ACHIEVEMENT UNLOCKED: META METABOLISM

Make a shitload of meta jokes

 

ACHIEVEMENT UNLOCKED : Not This Fucking Horseshit Again

Equip CHANCE, HORSE MASK, and SUSPENDERS

 

ACHIEVEMENT UNLOCKED: RED MILES "MILE HIGH" FLYING SEXY SNAKECAPADE

Increase Caliborn's doki meter to 11/11

**Author's Note:**

> turns out that [the horse sculpture](https://sayakaganz.com/2012/04/emergence/) is not wrought iron after all and is indeed made of plastic
> 
> it's also entertaining to me to see how much changed in four years especially re: the black hole / green sun themes but hey


End file.
